I’m suddenly terrified of this decision I’ve almost made.
I’ve spent so much time praying, seeking God, asking for wisdom. Yet I still
feel like I’m making the decision on my own. I’m standing here almost frozen,
not wanting to make the wrong decision. I trust that God speaks to people, that
He guides us along the path He’s made for us. I trust that He won’t let us fall
away. But I don’t trust myself. I don’t believe that I can make a decision
without another human. I feel completely unworthy and naked. I can’t do it. I
long for someone I trust to tell me explicitly and completely that I am making
the right decision, this is most definitely where God is leading you. But why
do I believe God can speak to someone else so clearly, but not to me? Why would
God choose to let me hear Him clearly? I don’t deserve that. But wait. No one
does. I find myself proclaiming the unending, amazing, beautifully deep love and
grace of the cross, but deep down I think that only other people can experience
Him intimately. But I’m also afraid. Afraid of what other people think. I’m
afraid my parents will say I’ve made the wrong decision, I was foolish, too
naïve. I’m afraid I’m doing this for the wrong reasons. After all, my heart is
deceitful, right? I don’t know. I just really don’t know. But I’m gonna take
this first step. I’m going to choose to confidently make this decision. I’m
going to trust that God isn’t out to confuse me. He doesn’t operate based on
fear; instead He guides me and directs me and pursues me.
